2nd IUI failed

Well as expected my second IUI failed. Waiting to hear back from Dr. G on what to do now.

12dpiui

Today is 12 days past my IUI. I go in for a blood test tomorrow but I am sure it's negative because I took a urine test and it was negative. I am not holding my breath that the blood test will come back any different. I have a few things I want to talk to the doctor about.
1. Are my tubes clear?
2. How can we increase the amount of follicles produced?
3. Are you sure I am ovulating?
4. Is there a way to tell there is an egg in the follicle produced?
There are more questions I have that I hope I can write down for when the office calls me tomorrow.

Blankets for baby

Okay that title is kind of corny. But in this very serious situation it lightens things up a bit. I have talked in my previous blog about how I am stressed out on how we're going to be able to find the funding for IVF. This blog is going to kind of give a overview of who I am and why I'm doing this. I am 28 years old and last year was diagnosed with uterine hyperplasia with atypia. That is basically pre cancer cells in my uterus. I see an oncologist every 4-6 months for that and I  also suffer from PCOS and have for several years. I was about fourteen when I was diagnosed with PCOS and in my opinion it's the reason I am where I am today. My husband and I have  been seeing a specialist for fertility so that we can have a child of our own before I have to undergo a hysterectomy. Blankets for baby is a way to keep my mind off of trying to conceive and it's a way for my husband and I to bond as well as take a little bit of money to put towards an IVF cycle. My husband and I have undergone two IUI and medicated Cycles and if this second time doesn't work we're looking at IVF within the next couple of months somehow before then I have to come up with $3,000 to pay the doctor upfront this may be our only chance to have a child and it's unknown as to when I will have to have a hysterectomy so it's ideal that we start saving and putting all our resources toward IVF now. I have always wanted to be a mother and my husband is a great father to his 11 yr old. I have shed many tears when I found out I will have to have a hysterectomy but I refuse to fight cancer if I can avoid it. Therefore when my oncologists say its time to have a hysterectomy then I will but first I have to fight for my last chance at being a biological mom! If you have any questions about this journey or about me please give me a message on Facebook. Thank you to all who have donated so far every dollar helps take a little bit of a burden off of us. All our love Jessica and Kevin

IVF thoughts

I am just thinking...if we end up needing to have IVF what will that cost us? I THINK we have coverage on 3 cycles (in a lifetime) but the average cost is $25,000 each. I am not sure how much we will need up front plus the meds. If we don't succeed with IUI this cycle Kevin and I want to try one more before moving on. But the reality is we do not have extra money in the bank. We literally live paycheck to paycheck and cant afford getting a loan to invest in something we aren't sure will even work! We don't want to ask friends for money because everyone I know live on a budget. IVF is our last chance at conceiving  we deff dont have the money to adopt or pay someone to carry a baby for us. I am trying not to stress but I cant help it. I am actually having a panic attack. Each failed treatment cycle crushes my spirt and the hope in my heart fades. I don't know what to do or where to start. We don't have the time to wait the clock is ticking each month that passes. At each oncologist check up I am grateful I am still cancer free. but we  dont really know that for sure its only an educated guess. The only way they will know before cancer invades my body is to get a hysterctomy and test the layers of my uterus that aren't easy access. Sorry this post is a little all over the place. These are the thoughts that are invading my mind. These are my worries and fears. I am afraid thay we will never have a child together...we will forever be alone. Time for bed and to cry myself to sleep. I can only hope tomorrow is better.

Round 2 IUI

Well, just finished our second IUI and The sperm count was down by about 5 million. This time around his count was only about 3 million. Still a good number though don't get me wrong. While we were there a lady thats 8 months pregnant brought over cookies to the office as a thank you. When the doctor came in he told me he just touched a pregnant belly and reached over to touch mine saying he was passing on the good luck. It was very sweet of him to say that to me. He did say that if this doesn't work we will then talk about our "options" I think he was referring to IVF. We aren't sure we can afford IVF but IVF has much higher success rates. We shall see... Pregnancy test in two weeks! Merry Christmas! 

Round 2 follicle check

Today I have my scan that resulted in one mature follicle at 18 mm. my last cycle only had one follicle at 21 mm. And as we all know that was a fail so I'm not very optimistic about this round. I was really hoping for at least 2 follicles to give me a little bit of a better chance conceiving. with that being said I have an IUI this week and we shall see right after Christmas whether or not it was a success .

Round 2 first ultrasound

Went in today after work and had an ultrasound done. My uterus looks good no abnormalities which is nice to hear. My ovaries are cyst free! Like what? Thats a new one!  I think its because I actually had a full menstrual cycle from beginning to end. I do have small follicles on both sides which is again... Good. And lastly my med (gonal f)  is starting off at 150 units which is higher then last cycle so I am hoping that will result in one or two more follicles. I go back in for another ultrasound next week.

RD 2 Cycle day one

Started my period today. It is 5 days after progesterone.  Here goes 2nd round of meds!

IUI #1 results

Test came back and I am not pregnant. Although it was hard to hear it I am glad I know. I just wish I knew exactly what went wrong. I'm OK but emotionally it's just a lot. Hope next cycle I grow more follicles!

#1 IUI completed

Today my two week wait begins. I go to the hospital as early as possible on 11/29 for a pregnancy test. Hoping we created our miracle!  We have about a 20% chance. Kevins sperm count was only 8-10 million and about 4 million with good motility. But the doc says we only need one sperm...just one! Now to stay busy while we wait! Happy Thanksgiving!

CD 14

I just got done with my ultrasound and I found out that on my right ovary I have one mature follicle measuring at 21 mm I also have an 8mm but unfortunately anything below a 20 is not mature.  tomorrow I take the medication that will induce ovulation and then Wednesday I have my IUI! read down below at the descriptions to help you better understand the terminology it only takes one follie and I hope this is the one!

IUI: Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.

Quick glance at my history and what we are doing now

New to the group! I am 28 years old and dx with PCOS. I was also dx with diabetes at 21. I am married and have a beautiful 11 year old step daughter. My husband is 31 and we want more then anything to conceive just one child of our own. At 27 almost a year ago I was dx with pre cancer in my uterus. It was found via D&C to remove uterine polyps. My sample was sent to 3 pathologists who all agreed I was late stage  Complex hyperplaisia with atypia aka Pre cancer (due to no periods with PCOS). My wonderful doctor Dr. Baum OBGYN referred me to a oncologist to continue close monitoring. After treatment with my oncologist I had my 3rd D&C and the cancer cells were gone. That was about 6 months ago. I go back every 3 months. At my last appointment my oncologists didn't believe I had any concerns at this time and gave me the OK to start fertility treatments. After getting the OK from my diabetes doc we finally started this month! I am Cycle day 14 and have a follicle scan this afternoon. My husband and I agreed to go straight to injectable medication Gonal F. After 3 tries we will move to IVF.  That is if cancer cells stay away! With my pre cancer history my oncologist wants me to get a hysterecomy as soon as we can so I will be beyond blessed to have one child of my own!

CD 8

So, today I had my first follicle scan. I only have one small follicle (right side) so they upped my dose to 150 from 75. I have another scan at the end of the day Monday 11/14. I asked other ladies what my chances are of getting more follicles by that time and they said on that dose it's pretty likely that I will grow a few more and have some maturity. I am staying hopeful! I know it only takes one but...I want at least 3 to work with! Grow little grow...

CD 5. Symptoms

Today is CD 5 and 3 days on Gonal F. I have been experiencing period like cramps in my lower abdomen. I am hoping its my ovaries working!

CD 2

I start my medications on CD 3! Super excited! Dose is at 75 to begin with and I have another ultrasound to monitor my follicles. I asked how many follicles I can grow to maturity and they told me up to 4. I have a real good feeling about this!

Halloween/All holidays

For the past two years we had my step daughter for Halloween but not this year. It's hard to go through any holiday or comminity event without a child. Kevin and I want to be a part of things but we often feel like we stick out because we don't have children with us. We try to volunteer in our town so we can at least help and feel a part of the comminity. And we feel like we have really been embraced by our new community but we can't help but feel like outsiders and our heart strings pull when we see families and children. We just want a child of our own. 24/7 not just on our "weekend". We are so ready to be parents it sometimes hurts. Until then...we will continue being a part of events and try to smile through the holidays even though we feel a part of our hearts are missing. Happy Holiday Season!

Prepped and ready to start!

Well, in less then a week I go in and get blood work done to make sure I am ammune to Rubella and then I can proceed with treatment!  I have plenty of ovulation tests,  cheap pregnancy tests and the more reliable pregnancy tests. I also have a new bottle of prenatal vitamins and all my medications have been received and in the fridge! I am not naive this could take up to 3 months and it may not work at all...but I have hope and I am going to do whatever I can to keep my dream of being a mom alive. We are currently saving all our extra money just in case we have to resort to IVF in a few months but...keep me in your thoughts! Thank you all! I will keep you informed every step of the way!

Odd dreams

This morning I woke up from dreams of pregnancy tests and bfp! I woke up with a pit in my stomach remembering my reality and the fact I have NEVER gotten a bfp!!! Meds are on their way and will be here Friday. I am so hoping round 1 is a success but if not I hope round 2 or 3 is! I just want to be a mommy.

Meds

Meds are being processed and right now (I don't want to jinx it) it appears they will be apporved and we can start tx as soon as I get confirmed I am immune to rubella (blood test end of this month) and I start my next menstrual cycle. I do have to get a ultrasound completed to make sure my lining is the right size but...it appears we might get somewhere in November/ Dec!

Insurance talk

So, the other day I had a long drawn out conversation with my insurance comapny/billing dept at Dr. G's office. At work we had a slight change in plans and it confused the billing dept because they got approvals/ denials around the same time. Finally we got approved for IUI but we are still confused about injectable meds so we put an order in and fingers crossed...it will be approved. If not we will try Femara and IUI. Its a effective drug just not as aggressive as injectables. We still have until the end of the month to get this all figured out. Progress...progress!

Feelings blog

Growing up as a girl everyone assumes you will one day be a mom. You often hear "when you have children..." then when you get married you hear "when are you having children?" if you dont get pregnant right away people continue to ask when you are having kids. I have always wanted children even as a small girl being a mom was what I wanted to be when I grew up. Everyone would snicker and think "well yea but what else do you want to do with your life?" just assuming that having a family is always a part of adulthood. My father use to make fun of me that I was too eager to be a mother and that I would be a teenage struggling mom of five one day. I played with dolls with real baby strollers until I was 13 years old! I am being truthful when I tell you being a mom has always been a dream. Then I found out at 14 that having children of my own would be "difficult" I translated that to "impossible". I pushed all my dreams out the window and tried to suppress my feelings toward having children of my own. Then when I married the man of my dreams I knew that I truly wanted to build a family. We have a home with empty rooms, a big yard for room to run and so much love to share! When I found out that I have pre cancer in my uterus my world came tumbling down around me. I felt like my world was shaken up! Who am I? What will I have to leave behind? Whats my purpose in life if I can't leave a piece of me behind one day? Holidays feel so empty and once my family is gone I wont have anyone to celebrate with! No one to hand down traditions to. We don't feel as much a part of the community because we dont have kids and feel like outsiders during family events. As each year passes I feel life slipping by. I am grateful for my step daughter who allows me to feel what being a parent is like but we don't get her as often as we would like and we have already missed so much of her younger years. Kids grow up fast! To you I may look like "I'm still young " and I "still have time " but who knows how true that is. My husband and I have been so emotionally involved this past year that I dont know how much more we have to give. I dont know how many more tears I can shed. I feel my heart break when baby announcements are made and baby pictures are posted online. I feel my face flush and my tears water. I can't bring myself up out of my hole long enough to attend baby showers or talk about expectant babies in detail. I am becoming a bitter female who I have always despised. It's an ongoing cycle of hormones, emotions and confusion. But with the help of my family and friends I know I will get through this. My husband is my rock and I am so grateful he chose me even with the knowledge  he may never be a dad again. Everyone tells me one way or another I will be a mom. And I want to believe that. I wish we could adopt but we don't have the money for that. Fostering has also been a possibility and will still be something we will consider but I'm not sure if my heart can handle that roller coaster of emotions. For now I will take life one step at a time,  breath through it and continue moving forward. I still have people who count on me and they are my everything!

Another setback

So a few hours ago I thought I was just waiting for my cycle to start so that I could start treatment. Then my doctor called and informs me that unfortunately I am no longer immune to rubella therefore I have to get a new MMR done that means that I have to put trying to conceive on hold for another 30 days after that immunization. I have waited 6 months to start  fertility treatments another 30 days seems like a lifetime more. I just wish that I could get things going because I know we still have a long road ahead of us. Hopefully I will have more information in 30 days.

Feelings Blog

Here I am waiting for my cycle to start so I can start my first femara cycle and IUI. Still nothing is happening...hoping Monday it starts (and ends 5 days later because I have been known to have long and painful cycles). I have been comfort eating which is counterproductive to the main goal of getting pregnant and sustaining the pregnancy. I have been super excited one minute and depressed the next. I read hopeful stories and then failures.  I just feel like this has to work and as soon as possible or I might totally lose my mind! I need a hobby. Something to keep me from obsessing over everything!  I am also going to try meditation to try and calm my nerves.  I want to stay positive but it's hard when I am so use to being disappointed.

Step one blood work

Today was my appointment at the fertility clinic to get my blood work done. I had to have a chromosome test and an infectious disease test. I have to call back Monday and find out the results of my chromosome test and I should know about my infectious disease test next week. Now I'm waiting for my period to start and within 3 days I will start medication to induce ovulation. I will also have to go in to get a baseline ultrasound done to see how my lining looks. After starting medication I will go in for another ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing and determine when to trigger ovulation. I feel positive about this direction but I am also ready for heartbreak just in case. Right now I need to focus on continuing to take care of myself and try to relax. At this point that's all I can do.

New news! 9/19/16

Hello! Wow its been a long time! I have been through so much since the last time I updated this blog. In short; I have had a pre cancer scare and had to stop ttc to deal with that. It was found through a routine altrasound with Dr. B. Then my fertility specialist wouldnt work with me until I had perfect control over my blood sugars (I'm a diabetic). Well months and months later my oncologist is just checking in with me until after pregnancy or something changes with my uterus and I have been given the green light to cont. Ttc with a NEW fertility specialist because I didnt like the way the other doctor treated me. But I really like my new RE. So, my insurance has approved me for clomid/femerea and artificial insemination. Until we can prove that it wont work we cant move on to injectables. Lots has happened and more to come! For now my job is to work on taking care of my body and making sure its ready in case I conceive!  Talk soon!