Feelings blog

Growing up as a girl everyone assumes you will one day be a mom. You often hear "when you have children..." then when you get married you hear "when are you having children?" if you dont get pregnant right away people continue to ask when you are having kids. I have always wanted children even as a small girl being a mom was what I wanted to be when I grew up. Everyone would snicker and think "well yea but what else do you want to do with your life?" just assuming that having a family is always a part of adulthood. My father use to make fun of me that I was too eager to be a mother and that I would be a teenage struggling mom of five one day. I played with dolls with real baby strollers until I was 13 years old! I am being truthful when I tell you being a mom has always been a dream. Then I found out at 14 that having children of my own would be "difficult" I translated that to "impossible". I pushed all my dreams out the window and tried to suppress my feelings toward having children of my own. Then when I married the man of my dreams I knew that I truly wanted to build a family. We have a home with empty rooms, a big yard for room to run and so much love to share! When I found out that I have pre cancer in my uterus my world came tumbling down around me. I felt like my world was shaken up! Who am I? What will I have to leave behind? Whats my purpose in life if I can't leave a piece of me behind one day? Holidays feel so empty and once my family is gone I wont have anyone to celebrate with! No one to hand down traditions to. We don't feel as much a part of the community because we dont have kids and feel like outsiders during family events. As each year passes I feel life slipping by. I am grateful for my step daughter who allows me to feel what being a parent is like but we don't get her as often as we would like and we have already missed so much of her younger years. Kids grow up fast! To you I may look like "I'm still young " and I "still have time " but who knows how true that is. My husband and I have been so emotionally involved this past year that I dont know how much more we have to give. I dont know how many more tears I can shed. I feel my heart break when baby announcements are made and baby pictures are posted online. I feel my face flush and my tears water. I can't bring myself up out of my hole long enough to attend baby showers or talk about expectant babies in detail. I am becoming a bitter female who I have always despised. It's an ongoing cycle of hormones, emotions and confusion. But with the help of my family and friends I know I will get through this. My husband is my rock and I am so grateful he chose me even with the knowledge  he may never be a dad again. Everyone tells me one way or another I will be a mom. And I want to believe that. I wish we could adopt but we don't have the money for that. Fostering has also been a possibility and will still be something we will consider but I'm not sure if my heart can handle that roller coaster of emotions. For now I will take life one step at a time,  breath through it and continue moving forward. I still have people who count on me and they are my everything!