Babies, babies everywhere!
That's what I am dealing with lately. Although I try to keep my mind off babies to help me stay focused and not heart broken... it's hard.
At night I have dreams of positive pregnancy tests, giving birth and naming babies. I wake up with a smile on my face and then after realizing it was a dream the feeling of disappointment rushes over my entire body. I get up every morning and try to take on the day as positive as possible. I try to shrug off the sick feeling in my stomach and attempt to be happy and full of energy!
Then I log on to facebook and see a ton of baby showers, baby announcements, birth pictures and teary eyed new parents. Don't get me wrong I am not a sour person... I don't wish any bad on anyone for being pregnant and having babies naturally.. I love seeing pictures of people and their children. I am happy for everyone! I want to hold them, spoil them and celebrate with them! It just makes me sit back, realize what I don't have and what I wish for everyday... it makes me second guess who I am and why I have to be denied the one thing I have always wanted... to be a mother. I want to have a complete family... create one I never had. I love my husband and my step daughter with all my heart but I have a void in my heart that isn't being filled and its hard on me sometimes. Sometimes as hard as I try to stay strong and positive I have a bad day... a weak moment.
I just need to get myself out of this... realize how lucky I am to have what I do... I need to take the progress I have and look forward to next month and what it has in store for me! Audios friends, and thanks for listening!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
First positive OPK and first period on my own!
Hey! I haven't written anything because nothing has really happened. The first cycle of clomid 50 mg was a fail so on the second... my hopes weren't high. I was really holding out for clomid cycle 3 because my doc is upping the dose to 100mg. But around June 4th I started feeling cramps around my ovaries and I took an OPK. It was the darkest I had ever seen!! I was excited but wasn't too hopeful. I took another one the next day and it was dark but not as dark. So, I just forgot about it. But yesterday June 21st I got my period on my own! The first time in over 10 years! I usually have to induce my period with birth control or provera. What does it mean? I am hoping it means I ovulated on my own and my OPK was indeed a positive. It has been 16 days since that positive OPK and according to what I've read it takes 16 days to either find out I am pregnant or start my period. I am very hopeful next month we will have some more progress! I am not sad we aren't pregnant yet. I am happy my body did what it was suppose to for once! See ya next time!
-Jess
-Jess
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
CD- 29
5/6/14
Doctor B told me that if by CD 28 I haven't started my period to take a pregnancy test. If that test is negative I need to start Provera again for 5 days. So here I am on CD 29 and I will start provera. It saddens me that cycle 1 of Clomid (50mg) failed but I am hopeful for the next 5 cycles! I am calling Doctor B tomorrow to see if they will raise my prescription to 100 mg instead of another cycle of 50. I think that would just be another wasted cycle! Trying to stay positive.
Doctor B told me that if by CD 28 I haven't started my period to take a pregnancy test. If that test is negative I need to start Provera again for 5 days. So here I am on CD 29 and I will start provera. It saddens me that cycle 1 of Clomid (50mg) failed but I am hopeful for the next 5 cycles! I am calling Doctor B tomorrow to see if they will raise my prescription to 100 mg instead of another cycle of 50. I think that would just be another wasted cycle! Trying to stay positive.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
First Clomid Round days 5-9
Well, I only have one more Clomid pill to take and my first round will be completed! So far, I don't have any side effects. People told me I might feel dizzy, have mood swings and other issues but so far I haven't experienced anything! I am a tad bit uncomfortable around my ovaries but I am hoping that's my body doing what it's suppose to. It isn't out of the ordinary to have pains and cramps anyway so it isn't anything I can't handle.
I am proud of myself! I haven't been reading into things like I usually do. I have been trying to keep my mind off TTC and just take my meds, keep track of the days and try to relax. I am trying to keep my anxiety down and my mind focused. I don't want to get my hopes up on this round but I am trying to stay positive! I know many ladies I talk to didn't have any success with Clomid but I know many who have! I truly believe it will happen and it's hard to think it might be 6 months until it does but I have waited to long surly I can wait a little longer! One more pill to go and hope I get that positive on OPKs!
I am proud of myself! I haven't been reading into things like I usually do. I have been trying to keep my mind off TTC and just take my meds, keep track of the days and try to relax. I am trying to keep my anxiety down and my mind focused. I don't want to get my hopes up on this round but I am trying to stay positive! I know many ladies I talk to didn't have any success with Clomid but I know many who have! I truly believe it will happen and it's hard to think it might be 6 months until it does but I have waited to long surly I can wait a little longer! One more pill to go and hope I get that positive on OPKs!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Before first Clomid round
4/9/14 Yesterday evening I finally started AF! Therefore it was counted as Cycle Day (CD) 1! I am so excited. Two days down (counting today) and 3 more to go! I start Clomid Saturday! Hope is in the air. Although I am doubtful we will conceive on round one (I believe they will have to up the dose)... I am trying to stay positive that I will respond to Clomid.
4/8/14 Today was the day I was hoping for my menstrual cycle to start. Unfortunately other then a little cramping and discomfort there aren't any signs of her yet! Fingers crossed it will happen soon so I can take my first round of Clomid!
3/31/14 Today I called Doctor B. I wanted to know if she intended to have me come in for blood draw to find out if I ovualted on Clomid. The nurse that called me back told me no and that if she wanted me to go that route she would have scheduled something so I told the nurse "ok well i guess we will wing it" and she laughed it off and gave her best regards. If round 1 doesn't work I plan on meeting with my doc round 2 and asking if she will schedule me to go in for a blood draw. Would be nice to know if I am ovulating at all on Clomid.
4/8/14 Today was the day I was hoping for my menstrual cycle to start. Unfortunately other then a little cramping and discomfort there aren't any signs of her yet! Fingers crossed it will happen soon so I can take my first round of Clomid!
3/31/14 Today I called Doctor B. I wanted to know if she intended to have me come in for blood draw to find out if I ovualted on Clomid. The nurse that called me back told me no and that if she wanted me to go that route she would have scheduled something so I told the nurse "ok well i guess we will wing it" and she laughed it off and gave her best regards. If round 1 doesn't work I plan on meeting with my doc round 2 and asking if she will schedule me to go in for a blood draw. Would be nice to know if I am ovulating at all on Clomid.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Background
Thank you for visiting my blog. Firstly, I would like to tell you more about myself.
My name is Jessica and I have had PCOS since I was 14 yrs old. With PCOS comes hair in all the wrong places, self esteem issues, lack of minstrel cycle, and insulin resistance. I have been visiting a OBGYN since the time I was diagnosed and started taking birth control as a young teen to try and regulate my hormones. Unfortunately I was very young, and in denial. At first I was living with my father and step mom. I would lie about having a monthly period to throw the attention off me and to try and defuse the situation. My dad didn't like the idea of me seeing a OBGYN and being on birth control at such a young age. Therefore, I pretended nothing was wrong and went on with my life.
When I turned 16 I was moved in with my grandparents and would go to the doc off and on. My period was none-existent so I started on birth control again. I took it for awhile and decided to stop because I felt out of place and different. I was going through a lot of normal teenage issues and some brought on by my PCOS. Some of my fellow classmate made fun of me for some faint hair on my face and my weight. I tried to fit into a small town where everyone knew each other and grew up together. I was from the start an outsider and being overweight never helped.
After high school I moved for college. During that time I lived on my own and went to school full time. I saw a OBGYN there and had a cancer scare. I was to follow up every 3 months to watch and make sure cells in my uterus weren't changing. I was going on years without a cycle other than a few that were brought on by birth control. After the scare I stopped going to the doc and pretended nothing was wrong. I had come to terms with the fact i would never be normal, never be a mother, and might always be alone and depressed. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2009 and started taking oral meds. But as you could probably guess with my history I took my meds off and on. I didn't change my diet and my diabetes got out of control.
After college (2010) I moved back to Illinois and started taking classes at another college to transfer to a 4 yr school. I applied for a family services position at the local pre-school and got the job! Soon after that I met Kevin and we got married in 2012. Thats when things changed.
I have always wanted a family. A husband and children. A career I love and helping people. All of sudden things started working for me. Thats when I started wanting to learn how to take charge of my diabetes and PCOS!
In 2013 my new OB-GYN (who I love more than anything for listening, trusting, and giving me choice). Found polyps in my uterus. I went under surgery to get them out and found out my chance for cancer is higher then it should be but that she encourages me to have children while I am young before things change and it is no longer a choice. After that, my husband went in to make sure his semen count is up and I went for a HSG (to see if my tubes are clear).and found out everything is ok.
As of 3/26/14 my doc has put me on Clomid (for 6 months) and we are officially trying to conceive. If we don't succeed we will be referred to a fertility specialist for a 2nd opinion. I made this blog today 3/27/14 to document the journey and to later show our children how much we hoped and tried for them!
Please stay tuned, share you story with me and I hope we succeed so we can be role models for other families struggling with infertility.
My name is Jessica and I have had PCOS since I was 14 yrs old. With PCOS comes hair in all the wrong places, self esteem issues, lack of minstrel cycle, and insulin resistance. I have been visiting a OBGYN since the time I was diagnosed and started taking birth control as a young teen to try and regulate my hormones. Unfortunately I was very young, and in denial. At first I was living with my father and step mom. I would lie about having a monthly period to throw the attention off me and to try and defuse the situation. My dad didn't like the idea of me seeing a OBGYN and being on birth control at such a young age. Therefore, I pretended nothing was wrong and went on with my life.
When I turned 16 I was moved in with my grandparents and would go to the doc off and on. My period was none-existent so I started on birth control again. I took it for awhile and decided to stop because I felt out of place and different. I was going through a lot of normal teenage issues and some brought on by my PCOS. Some of my fellow classmate made fun of me for some faint hair on my face and my weight. I tried to fit into a small town where everyone knew each other and grew up together. I was from the start an outsider and being overweight never helped.
After high school I moved for college. During that time I lived on my own and went to school full time. I saw a OBGYN there and had a cancer scare. I was to follow up every 3 months to watch and make sure cells in my uterus weren't changing. I was going on years without a cycle other than a few that were brought on by birth control. After the scare I stopped going to the doc and pretended nothing was wrong. I had come to terms with the fact i would never be normal, never be a mother, and might always be alone and depressed. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2009 and started taking oral meds. But as you could probably guess with my history I took my meds off and on. I didn't change my diet and my diabetes got out of control.
After college (2010) I moved back to Illinois and started taking classes at another college to transfer to a 4 yr school. I applied for a family services position at the local pre-school and got the job! Soon after that I met Kevin and we got married in 2012. Thats when things changed.
I have always wanted a family. A husband and children. A career I love and helping people. All of sudden things started working for me. Thats when I started wanting to learn how to take charge of my diabetes and PCOS!
In 2013 my new OB-GYN (who I love more than anything for listening, trusting, and giving me choice). Found polyps in my uterus. I went under surgery to get them out and found out my chance for cancer is higher then it should be but that she encourages me to have children while I am young before things change and it is no longer a choice. After that, my husband went in to make sure his semen count is up and I went for a HSG (to see if my tubes are clear).and found out everything is ok.
As of 3/26/14 my doc has put me on Clomid (for 6 months) and we are officially trying to conceive. If we don't succeed we will be referred to a fertility specialist for a 2nd opinion. I made this blog today 3/27/14 to document the journey and to later show our children how much we hoped and tried for them!
Please stay tuned, share you story with me and I hope we succeed so we can be role models for other families struggling with infertility.
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