Feelings blog

Growing up as a girl everyone assumes you will one day be a mom. You often hear "when you have children..." then when you get married you hear "when are you having children?" if you dont get pregnant right away people continue to ask when you are having kids. I have always wanted children even as a small girl being a mom was what I wanted to be when I grew up. Everyone would snicker and think "well yea but what else do you want to do with your life?" just assuming that having a family is always a part of adulthood. My father use to make fun of me that I was too eager to be a mother and that I would be a teenage struggling mom of five one day. I played with dolls with real baby strollers until I was 13 years old! I am being truthful when I tell you being a mom has always been a dream. Then I found out at 14 that having children of my own would be "difficult" I translated that to "impossible". I pushed all my dreams out the window and tried to suppress my feelings toward having children of my own. Then when I married the man of my dreams I knew that I truly wanted to build a family. We have a home with empty rooms, a big yard for room to run and so much love to share! When I found out that I have pre cancer in my uterus my world came tumbling down around me. I felt like my world was shaken up! Who am I? What will I have to leave behind? Whats my purpose in life if I can't leave a piece of me behind one day? Holidays feel so empty and once my family is gone I wont have anyone to celebrate with! No one to hand down traditions to. We don't feel as much a part of the community because we dont have kids and feel like outsiders during family events. As each year passes I feel life slipping by. I am grateful for my step daughter who allows me to feel what being a parent is like but we don't get her as often as we would like and we have already missed so much of her younger years. Kids grow up fast! To you I may look like "I'm still young " and I "still have time " but who knows how true that is. My husband and I have been so emotionally involved this past year that I dont know how much more we have to give. I dont know how many more tears I can shed. I feel my heart break when baby announcements are made and baby pictures are posted online. I feel my face flush and my tears water. I can't bring myself up out of my hole long enough to attend baby showers or talk about expectant babies in detail. I am becoming a bitter female who I have always despised. It's an ongoing cycle of hormones, emotions and confusion. But with the help of my family and friends I know I will get through this. My husband is my rock and I am so grateful he chose me even with the knowledge  he may never be a dad again. Everyone tells me one way or another I will be a mom. And I want to believe that. I wish we could adopt but we don't have the money for that. Fostering has also been a possibility and will still be something we will consider but I'm not sure if my heart can handle that roller coaster of emotions. For now I will take life one step at a time,  breath through it and continue moving forward. I still have people who count on me and they are my everything!

Another setback

So a few hours ago I thought I was just waiting for my cycle to start so that I could start treatment. Then my doctor called and informs me that unfortunately I am no longer immune to rubella therefore I have to get a new MMR done that means that I have to put trying to conceive on hold for another 30 days after that immunization. I have waited 6 months to start  fertility treatments another 30 days seems like a lifetime more. I just wish that I could get things going because I know we still have a long road ahead of us. Hopefully I will have more information in 30 days.

Feelings Blog

Here I am waiting for my cycle to start so I can start my first femara cycle and IUI. Still nothing is happening...hoping Monday it starts (and ends 5 days later because I have been known to have long and painful cycles). I have been comfort eating which is counterproductive to the main goal of getting pregnant and sustaining the pregnancy. I have been super excited one minute and depressed the next. I read hopeful stories and then failures.  I just feel like this has to work and as soon as possible or I might totally lose my mind! I need a hobby. Something to keep me from obsessing over everything!  I am also going to try meditation to try and calm my nerves.  I want to stay positive but it's hard when I am so use to being disappointed.

Step one blood work

Today was my appointment at the fertility clinic to get my blood work done. I had to have a chromosome test and an infectious disease test. I have to call back Monday and find out the results of my chromosome test and I should know about my infectious disease test next week. Now I'm waiting for my period to start and within 3 days I will start medication to induce ovulation. I will also have to go in to get a baseline ultrasound done to see how my lining looks. After starting medication I will go in for another ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing and determine when to trigger ovulation. I feel positive about this direction but I am also ready for heartbreak just in case. Right now I need to focus on continuing to take care of myself and try to relax. At this point that's all I can do.

New news! 9/19/16

Hello! Wow its been a long time! I have been through so much since the last time I updated this blog. In short; I have had a pre cancer scare and had to stop ttc to deal with that. It was found through a routine altrasound with Dr. B. Then my fertility specialist wouldnt work with me until I had perfect control over my blood sugars (I'm a diabetic). Well months and months later my oncologist is just checking in with me until after pregnancy or something changes with my uterus and I have been given the green light to cont. Ttc with a NEW fertility specialist because I didnt like the way the other doctor treated me. But I really like my new RE. So, my insurance has approved me for clomid/femerea and artificial insemination. Until we can prove that it wont work we cant move on to injectables. Lots has happened and more to come! For now my job is to work on taking care of my body and making sure its ready in case I conceive!  Talk soon!

Ovulation today reading 11/1/15

CD 24 and ovusense is detecting that ovulation will be today.  Hoping this time it confirms last month it did not! Btw down about 5lbs. And tomorrow is my ultrasound. ... fingers crossed!

Another step towards baby Pickett

Today I bought prenatal vitamins as another step toward ttc. I am excited and hope in a couple months when I see RE my numbers look good and my weight is down enough....